Frustration. Frustration. Frustration. It is one of the characteristics and excitable states for those living with (C)PTSD. Navigating insurance woes, medical care (or lack of), stigmatization, isolation, abandonment, invisibility all contribute to this frustration especially if the person(s) afflicted with this condition are left without resources or "know how" to address their circumstances. A person with (C)PTSD may be erroneously defined as "toxic" when in fact the person is "sick" with this disease. It is akin to having HIV/AIDS - an industry that I worked in for many years as a health educator, outreach worker and organizer. Nobody wants to deal with it. Intense stigma. Hopelessness. Once the condition is disclosed, a person with (C)PTSD will most likely be disowned by friends, family and lovers. This adds to our frustration because persons afflicted with this condition did not ask to be traumatized (often by the hands of loved ones). As an act of good intention, people may reach out in an attempt to "get the old you back" which triggers the person afflicted further down the spiral of brokenness. Complicating matters further are well intended social media memes shared on Facebook or Instagram that serves as constant reminders that there is something wrong. Spouses and partners overwhelmed by this condition may pull back passive aggressively and use non-verbal ques that only add more fuel to the fire of frustration. It is, as my therapist said, "a canary in a coal mine" chiming about dangers with little results. This dance plays out dramatically over important issues - bills, finances, sex, socializing, going out - and when nothing gets done or plans forgotten, cancelled or delayed it only aggravates the person afflicted even more so. Thus, it is not uncommon to be labeled as a "broken record" repeating its groove of grief. How does the couple navigate this especially when the other half has been traumatized by the near death of their partner? How does the person afflicted reconcile good intentions on behalf of bewildered in-laws? How does one break through the isolation being in a marriage, coupling or partnership with this condition? One method, I have found helpful is enjoying times with the few friends that stood by me. Enjoying our bonds minus the trauma. Oftentimes, I find myself on bike rides with friends and we process all that is life: what's going on, our desires, plans. The experiences have alleviated my sense of hopelessness at home. In addition, gardening has helped me reconnect with the soil - the Earth - as a grounding tool and I tend to the garden daily. The experience highlights impermanence - life and death - and that this condition and its many emotions too - come and go. In combination with meditation breathing techniques of the vispassana tradition as well as Kundalini, I have successfully at times calmed my mind and body state to a point of ease; however, at first I was in complete tears. (C)PTSD is characterized by extreme tenderness - crying uncontrollably without cue or reason is not uncommon. In the Buddhist tradition tenderness is considered a gift. So, instead of looking at tenderness as a flaw, flip it on its head for not many people are able to show their true emotion. Also it is helpful to look at these points of frustrating exchange and inertia in a new light - one that my therapist refers to the "fork." There is a fork in the road and we choose our path. Do we keep engaging in demands unheard and unmet or do we do something proactive? I have stopped myself many times saying, "I'm tired of this circular conversation, I'm going to do ______." I've found doing errands, grocery shopping, cleaning house (perpetually) and various forms of exercise - in house, Go Go-ing and bicycling - very helpful; however, I still feel like that canary in a coal mine when I'm really a peacock!
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AuthorDarren Brown, PhD. ArchivesCategories |