It is easy to succumb to the trauma vortex. To become hypnotized by pain, anger, rage and frustration. In a sense, it becomes predictable. We are left to our own devices resigned to stasis and inertia by loved ones. Within the fire burns. Dreams. Longing. Yearning. An intense desire to break free from the predictable dance of our emotional states and become. To transform. To overcome. To accomplish. To set a goal, plan it and see it come to fruition has been one of the most pleasurable experiences living with this condition. For a person with (C)PTSD just completing one task on that mammoth list is a celebration in itself. Before my accident, most of my goals were fame and art world driven despite being an academic. As a result, I gained notoriety as a writer, poet, musician and performance artist. Post-accident, I sank into a deep depression questioning life and death. Despite exercising, I was in poor mental health and lived with extreme chronic pain. As I began therapy, roads pointed towards a meditation center in Oakland, California where I began a sitting and yoga practice. Both practices helped my body and mind heal and the addition of each definitely impacted my training positively. Summer was approaching and I recalled attending a family reunion with my spouse in Portland, Oregon. Outside our hotel, cyclists were passing a finish line. Excited, I went downstairs to the park and salivated over all the nice bicycles. To my amazement, a cyclist riding fixed hopped off his bike winded. As his long blonde hair was brushed from his face, I asked, "you did this fixed?" He said, "Yeah, and you can too!" We chatted some more and he assured me that being a Bay Area single-speed rider, I should have no problem completing Seattle to Portland aka STP (207 miles) in two days. That conversation was probably the best pep talk I ever had in my life! I registered for STP 2016 that May and upped my training from 100 to 150 to 200 to 300 mile training blocks per week. Despite all the naysayers, I completed a century (100 miles) in a day multiple times in preparation. The Seattle to Portland ride was amazing. I rode without any problems - no flats, no mechanical issues. My local wheelbuilder -Charlie- laced high flange Phil Wood hubs to white Velocity Deep V hoops. I also had the build fitted with a Chris King headset, Brooks Cambium saddle and Deda bars with in-line brakes and Lizard Skins tape. Not to mention an 18t White Industries freewheel. Lessons learned. Don't bring food! STP will feed you along the way. Don't bring a saddle pack like I did (the Kada Pak Ratt). It becomes too cumbersome and adds unnecessary weight. The thrill of completing STP 2016 provided the gravitas to accomplish more along the way. Upon returning, I decided to up my dancing game and become a self-made Go Go dancer in San Francisco. Despite not being paid, Go Go - ing is one of the most enjoyable experiences in which I play out my personas, fantasies and desires. I perform on a box with stretchbands, rope and oftentimes handcuffs hung from the belt loops of my Levis 501s. My outfits are sporty and punk at the same time - the result- a deranged peacock! I like the attention. So far, I have danced non-stop for six hours. Usually, I dance for three hours straight without break before biking home. Dancing allows me to exorcise the past, get in tune with the present and suspend thoughts of the future. It also provides the attention I crave removed from the trauma and story telling which characterizes (C)PTSD. From Go Go - ing, I have gained a following of sorts on Instagram and those "likes" led to the Burlesque scene in Tokyo, Japan. Following performers leads, I began researching products and now am the proud owner of my own stripper pole! A new adventure begins! Bike! Go Go! Pole! Do the unthinkable!
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AuthorDarren Brown, PhD. ArchivesCategories |