Schwinn Madison 2009 aka Buddah Bike takes a break at the Oakland Marinas post errand running. Lists! Lists! Lists! It is a coping and survival mechanism for those living with (C)PTSD. Without lists, there is no order among the chaos that burns within and without. External forces beyond our control become unfathomable obstacles of fixation and obsession. Insurance companies, health care providers, lawyers, politicians, family members, spouses - all count as players within this process that become codependent actors incapable of reciprocity. And they never satisfy. They all fail to meet one's expectation(s) or fulfill one's pain, gap and/or void. It just isn't good enough. This is the aftermath of circular trauma as it manifests boiling over into anger, rage and disappointment. Total shutdown. And we lose. Constantly. In the battlefield of frustration. A Jack in the Box constantly wound up on edge. Its intensity forever lingers. Excites. To the point of exhaustion. The lack of reciprocity leads to a life of decoding - the mind constantly reasoning. Thus, creating a list of grievances for codependent actors is a common tactic. And the list grows and grows. Those with this condition may vocalize these grievances over and over again to no avail - the canary in a coalmine. However, if one digs deeper within the transformative process, a different type of listing occurs - the listing of trauma. This list can grow to enormous lengths and can compound grievances. Some take to writing journals to cope; however, that process can become counterproductive to those who may be obsessive or meticulous about their writing. Some may find themselves constantly reliving their respective trauma(s) editing their entries or may unknowingly be addicted to the pain previously and presently experienced. It becomes a pain that one is used to. And it gets worse, if one does not take a few steps back and commit to a proactive practice that is practical: making lists! I've created list most of my adult life - first in the margins of line paper, then pen or marker on skin, scrap paper and scotch tape, Post-it notes and a dry erase board. The list of responsibilities is endless. Important paperwork that used to be an easy task becomes unimaginable as well as simple investigative phone calls. The reason is fear. And the fear is big. This is where a practical list is key. I tend to separate the pressing stuff from everyday errands; however, some weeks just doing errands and activities is good enough. The key is to cross out those tasks daily - mentally and visually - to note one's progress. An additional item I add to listing is calendaring fitness goals. For example, after registering for Seattle to Portland (2016), I marked the event on my calendar as a exciting goal and it also made it to my list. It served as a reminder of what little and big accomplishments can amount to - fun - and ultimately an escape for the arduous task of tackling the list daily. In addition, mapping out a cycling training schedule, weight goals, food elimination and adding different forms of exercise (Go Go, walking, pole dance) to my routine definitely impacted my shape. In combination with grounding techniques through making - bicycle building and collage work - listing has been key in processing the peculiarities of this condition. So make some lists! Try it and see. Even if one accomplishes one thing on that list a day, it is an accomplishment and a reason to celebrate!
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AuthorDarren Brown, PhD. ArchivesCategories |