Hyperarousal is an umbrella term often associated with (C)PTSD characterized by hypervigilance, insomnia, anxiety, anger, irritability, panic, and difficulties concentrating. Those afflicted with hyperarousal often numb out by drinking alcoholic beverages, taking drugs or by engaging in sexual acts. In my case, my accident uncovered layers of family trauma and overtime revealed patterns upon reflection. Experiencing sexual, psychological and physical abuse at an early age heightened my senses to the point of clairvoyance and later as an empath. However, the pain was so harsh and sadistic that I as a very young child needed to tap into my body to alleviate the pain by chronically masturbating - a common phenomena among the abused. This habit continued throughout adulthood and after my accident, I realized the old habit was coming back with a vengeance that it reminded me of when I numbed out pain after a fractured skull due to a skateboarding accident on my 13th birthday. Drawing these connections in a fog of pain crystalized as soon as I began practicing vispassana meditation. Recognizing the habit for what it is/was, I decided to increase my exercise regiment - bicycling - by training 4-5 days a week alone or with friends. This helped but I was still managing desire, longing and yearning for connection. After registering for Seattle to Portland ride (208 miles), I diversified my exercise regiment to include dancing - Go Go dancing. Go Go allows me to create a different persona each week, provides awesome cardio and fufills many desires. Among them: to be seen, to be desired, to be touched, to interact, to be admired, to exist, to feel loved, to feel beautiful. During Go Go-ing, I hold yoga squats for long periods of time, execute back bends, lunges, and other acrobatic feats with ropes and stretchbands. When I started, I was around 190 lbs. I have weighed in at 174 lbs at my lowest thus far. In short Go Go is an intense experience, keeps me moving, gets me out of the mind space and helps me manage desire in real time. To mix things up, I added speedwalking with up to 30 lbs of books on my back up and down the hilly neighborhoods of the Fruitvale, Oakland in addition to kettle bell squats, stretchbands and push-ups to great effect. As my body reshaped, I documented the process on Instagram with tags associated with (C)PTSD, Go Go, mixed-race among others. As a result, I have made connections with IGers: Thailand fitness freaks, fellow Go Go-ers worldwide, fitness moms, those transforming their bodies, cancer patients, veterans, survivors of all stripes. Positive reinforcement keeps me going and in combination with body shaping, I feel as though I have finally broke free from numbing out by embracing my body instead of hating myself and my predicaments in a mind maze of self loathing.
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AuthorDarren Brown, PhD. ArchivesCategories |