Frustration. Frustration. Frustration. It is one of the characteristics and excitable states for those living with (C)PTSD. Navigating insurance woes, medical care (or lack of), stigmatization, isolation, abandonment, invisibility all contribute to this frustration especially if the person(s) afflicted with this condition are left without resources or "know how" to address their circumstances. A person with (C)PTSD may be erroneously defined as "toxic" when in fact the person is "sick" with this disease. It is akin to having HIV/AIDS - an industry that I worked in for many years as a health educator, outreach worker and organizer. Nobody wants to deal with it. Intense stigma. Hopelessness. Once the condition is disclosed, a person with (C)PTSD will most likely be disowned by friends, family and lovers. This adds to our frustration because persons afflicted with this condition did not ask to be traumatized (often by the hands of loved ones). As an act of good intention, people may reach out in an attempt to "get the old you back" which triggers the person afflicted further down the spiral of brokenness. Complicating matters further are well intended social media memes shared on Facebook or Instagram that serves as constant reminders that there is something wrong. Spouses and partners overwhelmed by this condition may pull back passive aggressively and use non-verbal ques that only add more fuel to the fire of frustration. It is, as my therapist said, "a canary in a coal mine" chiming about dangers with little results. This dance plays out dramatically over important issues - bills, finances, sex, socializing, going out - and when nothing gets done or plans forgotten, cancelled or delayed it only aggravates the person afflicted even more so. Thus, it is not uncommon to be labeled as a "broken record" repeating its groove of grief. How does the couple navigate this especially when the other half has been traumatized by the near death of their partner? How does the person afflicted reconcile good intentions on behalf of bewildered in-laws? How does one break through the isolation being in a marriage, coupling or partnership with this condition? One method, I have found helpful is enjoying times with the few friends that stood by me. Enjoying our bonds minus the trauma. Oftentimes, I find myself on bike rides with friends and we process all that is life: what's going on, our desires, plans. The experiences have alleviated my sense of hopelessness at home. In addition, gardening has helped me reconnect with the soil - the Earth - as a grounding tool and I tend to the garden daily. The experience highlights impermanence - life and death - and that this condition and its many emotions too - come and go. In combination with meditation breathing techniques of the vispassana tradition as well as Kundalini, I have successfully at times calmed my mind and body state to a point of ease; however, at first I was in complete tears. (C)PTSD is characterized by extreme tenderness - crying uncontrollably without cue or reason is not uncommon. In the Buddhist tradition tenderness is considered a gift. So, instead of looking at tenderness as a flaw, flip it on its head for not many people are able to show their true emotion. Also it is helpful to look at these points of frustrating exchange and inertia in a new light - one that my therapist refers to the "fork." There is a fork in the road and we choose our path. Do we keep engaging in demands unheard and unmet or do we do something proactive? I have stopped myself many times saying, "I'm tired of this circular conversation, I'm going to do ______." I've found doing errands, grocery shopping, cleaning house (perpetually) and various forms of exercise - in house, Go Go-ing and bicycling - very helpful; however, I still feel like that canary in a coal mine when I'm really a peacock!
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Hyperarousal is an umbrella term often associated with (C)PTSD characterized by hypervigilance, insomnia, anxiety, anger, irritability, panic, and difficulties concentrating. Those afflicted with hyperarousal often numb out by drinking alcoholic beverages, taking drugs or by engaging in sexual acts. In my case, my accident uncovered layers of family trauma and overtime revealed patterns upon reflection. Experiencing sexual, psychological and physical abuse at an early age heightened my senses to the point of clairvoyance and later as an empath. However, the pain was so harsh and sadistic that I as a very young child needed to tap into my body to alleviate the pain by chronically masturbating - a common phenomena among the abused. This habit continued throughout adulthood and after my accident, I realized the old habit was coming back with a vengeance that it reminded me of when I numbed out pain after a fractured skull due to a skateboarding accident on my 13th birthday. Drawing these connections in a fog of pain crystalized as soon as I began practicing vispassana meditation. Recognizing the habit for what it is/was, I decided to increase my exercise regiment - bicycling - by training 4-5 days a week alone or with friends. This helped but I was still managing desire, longing and yearning for connection. After registering for Seattle to Portland ride (208 miles), I diversified my exercise regiment to include dancing - Go Go dancing. Go Go allows me to create a different persona each week, provides awesome cardio and fufills many desires. Among them: to be seen, to be desired, to be touched, to interact, to be admired, to exist, to feel loved, to feel beautiful. During Go Go-ing, I hold yoga squats for long periods of time, execute back bends, lunges, and other acrobatic feats with ropes and stretchbands. When I started, I was around 190 lbs. I have weighed in at 174 lbs at my lowest thus far. In short Go Go is an intense experience, keeps me moving, gets me out of the mind space and helps me manage desire in real time. To mix things up, I added speedwalking with up to 30 lbs of books on my back up and down the hilly neighborhoods of the Fruitvale, Oakland in addition to kettle bell squats, stretchbands and push-ups to great effect. As my body reshaped, I documented the process on Instagram with tags associated with (C)PTSD, Go Go, mixed-race among others. As a result, I have made connections with IGers: Thailand fitness freaks, fellow Go Go-ers worldwide, fitness moms, those transforming their bodies, cancer patients, veterans, survivors of all stripes. Positive reinforcement keeps me going and in combination with body shaping, I feel as though I have finally broke free from numbing out by embracing my body instead of hating myself and my predicaments in a mind maze of self loathing. Isolation. Forgotten. Invisibility. Unheard. Misunderstood. These are some of states I find myself in daily oftentimes simulataneously to the point of hopelessness. Grounding skills such as crafting, bicycle repair and excercise have helped; however sometimes attention, affection and human interaction is necessary and for most afflicted with this disease longed and yearned for. A person diagnosed with (C)PTSD is oftentimes considered a "lost cause" to past aquaintances, family members, loved ones and friends. They often plead to have "the old you" back. So where does one turn in these circumstances? Online. Social media has provided the tool to communicate electronically as "e friends" as opposed to friends in real life (IRL). The Internet allows those with (C)PTSD and other disablities to engage with people online, offer support, join groups, plan meetups, etc. The thrill of being "followed" or "liked" on Instagram or Facebook adds positive reinforcement for those living in isolation. On the flip side, resentment, grievances, anger, rants - all toxic - oftentimes manifests as status updates as a result of not being heard, being frustrated, invisible or forgotten. When these toxic rants happen online, it is a form of venting - a pressure release in times of isolation - and also a plea to be heard. Engage with rants with caution. Offer support. Never minimize, diagnose or offer therapy advice. Good intentions in this case make a situation worse by making the person with (C)PTSD feel even more irrepairable - a client, not a friend, spouse, etc. but a problem to be fixed. After living in isolation for three years while undergoing physical rehab, mental therapy and mindfulness training, I could not imagine how it would be if social media did not exist. I can recall numerous occasions that I was in need of help and low and behold, the magic of Facebook messenger would come to the rescue. After my last surgery - lipomal removal - I slowly started to reengage fully with the world and became less ashamed of my circumstances and was ready to reemerge as a part of my old self - a community organizer. I helped pick up trash in Oakland Chinatown with a former mentee and friend who now is employed by my former employer where we met! This led to reconnecting with former students and mentees at a soft opening at Bare Knuckle Pizza - all great friends! Upon reflection, isolation and pulling out of it is like shedding skins like a snake or a onion. I went from the mindspace to Cyberspace to IRL (all in varying degrees). Gatherings instead of being a moment to fear (rejection) became moments to enjoy. And for that I am forever grateful to those who offered their support and guidance. The fight isn't over and I haven't given up.
The holidays are a grueling time for those living with (C)PTSD for a variety of reasons ranging from anxiety, loneliness, depression, abandonment among a host of other emotionally charged states. Partners of those living with the condition may feel helpless and oftentimes unknowingly trigger their loved one. As a method of self-survival partners may leave their other half - alone - which can also trigger those with abandonment histories. This in itself is the tricky nature of the condition. What may work for one - being left alone - may be traumatic for another. Being alone often encourages the mind to race in circles and oftentimes this race plays out when we are in company. So having a taste of both races, I choose to be proactive this Christmas after having a non-productive spouse-less Thanksgiving post-lipoma removal surgery (traumatic in itself). I decided to ride a double century (200 miles) in three days by bicycle on the Bay Area's Bay Trail via Oakland, Alameda, Bay Farm Island, San Leandro, Emeryville, Berkeley, Richmond and the new Bay Bridge to Treasure Island. Saddle sores aside, the ride helped me process my loneliness, the feeling of being abandoned and forgotten; however, that fire was still burning after my final leg of the double century - roughly 85 miles in 8 hours. I returned home after each ride and all my processing came out. Somedays were better than others. The key to exercising with (C)PTSD is not to overtrain - something I'm dealing with. When I get in the "zone," it is almost to the point of selflessness. I forget to eat or drink, my mind preoccupied with pushing harder. This is dangerous especially if one comes home to their loved one(s), spouse, etc. So, as a precaution, if you are exercising as a way to cope with (C)PTSD listen to your body. Have a drink every 20 or so minutes and eat something! Take inventory. Compare. See if it works for you and your partner.
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AuthorDarren Brown, PhD. ArchivesCategories |